The Home

TRUTH!

"They say it takes a village to raise a child. That may be the case, but the truth is it takes a lot of solid, stable marriages to create a village." _Diane Sollee-

One of my favorite Quotes

"Our culture has accepted two huge lies. The first is that if you disagree with someone's lifestyle, you must fear or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don't have to compromise convictions to be compassionate."
-Phil Robertson-

Have you read the Constitution lately?

"The constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself." -Benjamin Franklin-

Thought for the day

Food for Thought Today

“Many in this world are afraid and angry with one another. While we understand these feelings, we need to be civil in our discourse and respectful in our interactions. This is especially true when we disagree. The Savior taught us to love even our enemies. The vast majority of our members heed this counsel. Yet there are some who feel that venting their personal anger or deeply held opinions is more important than conducting themselves as Jesus Christ lived and taught. I invite each one of us individually to recognize that how we disagree is a real measure of who we are and whether we truly follow the Savior. It is appropriate to disagree, but it is not appropriate to be disagreeable. Violence and vandalism are not the answer to our disagreements. If we show love and respect even in adverse circumstances, we become more like Christ.”

-Elder Quentin L. Cook-

God doesn't give up on you

A light in the darkness

Food for Thought

"Handheld devices, such as smartphones, are a blessing, but they can also distract us from hearing the 'still, small voice.' They need to be our servants, not our masters. For example, if later [this week] you share inspiring thoughts from this [lesson] on social media, your smartphone is a servant. If you randomly surf the Internet, your smartphone is a master."

Elder M. Russell Ballard, Be Still, and Know That I Am God (Links to an external site.)

Cleave Unto Your Spouse

     I have a friend who was the youngest of 5 and very close to her family. She confided in her father and mother often and admired their council and wisdom. After she married her husband instead of talking with him, and making decisions as a couple, she would go to her parents to help her with marital problems, or any issues that they were having. She would then go back to her husband and give the report on what her parents felt that they should do. This caused a lot of friction within their marriage and they really weren't united as a couple. Luckily my good friend saw how this was harming her relationship with her husband and they made the decision that he would join the army. They were stationed far away from all family and they were forced to rely on one another, make new friends and be independent of their families. A beautiful thing happened, they became closer, they confided in one another instead of in family, and they made decisions together. When talking with my friend now years later, she said that them moving away from their families was the best thing for their marriage. They became closer and were truly united. I feel like all couples need to recognize that while family is important, once you marry you need to turn to each other to create your own family, own traditions and place reasonable boundaries with in-laws and family so that you can figure out how to be together as a couple. I wish that I had done a better job of this within my own marriage. 

Becoming One

            This concept of “becoming one” always seemed kind of foreign to me. It wasn’t until I was married that I came to understand exactly what this means. We are commanded to become one with Christ. The scriptures admonish “if ye are not one, ye are not mine.” This illustrates for me the importance of becoming one in faith, unity and in the cause of spreading the word that Jesus Christ is our Savior, and inviting others to come unto Him. How does this relate to marriage? Within marriage we are also commanded to become one. We leave our mothers and fathers and we “cleave” unto our husband or wife. In order to become one it’s important that a couple commit first to work to become one with Christ, and then they can become one with each other.

            Someone who was a great example of this was my grandparents on my Mother’s side. My Grandma Fern and Grandpa Wayne were married in the Salt Lake City Utah temple and were devoted to the gospel of Jesus Christ until their dying days. They committed to work to become one with Christ and worked hard on their marriage. They didn’t have a perfect marriage, but they had an eternal perspective and wanted to do everything they could to make their marriage successful. They attended church, the temple, and taught the gospel to their children. One of their last trips to the temple together as a couple, they were joined by all 6 of their children in the celestial room. When my Grandma looked around she said: “Are we all here?” Everyone was happy to say, “Yes, Mom, we are all here.” That is what it’s all about, coming together to gain a testimony of Jesus Christ and then working towards an eternal marriage and an eternal family. The choice my grandparents made to become one with Christ and with one another affected generations after them. Their children then taught their grandchildren, and now their grandchildren are teaching their great grandchildren. The gospel and its teachings live on through the obedience and devotion of my grandparents. I am grateful for their example.

Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

          My Mother and I recently had a conversation regarding sex. It is through-out our world today in the media, billboards, magazines etc. The world would have you believe that sex is the key to a good marriage. My Mom said something interesting to me, she said that you need a foundation with someone. You need to trust them, respect them, forgive and serve one another. Sex is the icing on the cake for an already strong relationship. My Mom said that the reason her and my Dad are so strong in their marriage is because they were friends before they married, and they had the same foundation. Sex is just a part of the relationship, it doesn’t define the relationship.

            Infidelity is something that can happen within a marriage, the most common form (in my opinion) is the use of pornography. It is everywhere these days and so easily accessible that it’s easy for men and women to become addicted. My Dad made such an amazing comment when we were discussing the topic of pornography and he said, “I don’t know if you have noticed, but I never take my laptop into another room where someone isn’t present. It’s not because I have a problem with pornography, but because I don’t WANT to ever have that temptation.” I thought that was excellent advice and his own way of safeguarding himself and his relationship with my Mom.

            President Spencer W Kimball said: “The Bible celebrates sex and its proper use, presenting it as God-created, God-ordained, God-blessed. It makes plain that God himself implanted the physical magnetism between the sexes for two reasons: for the propagation of the human race, and for the expression of that kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness. His commandment to the first man and woman to be ‘one flesh’ was as important as his command to ‘be fruitful and multiply.”

     I have seen the importance of intimacy within marriage in my previous marriage, and also through mistakes that I made in my youth. Being divorced now I see the value in saving that sacred part of yourself within the bonds of marriage.

Source:

            Barlow, Brent. A. They Twain Shall Be One. https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/1986/09/they-twain-shall-be-one-thoughts-on-intimacy-in-marriage?lang=eng (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.

We are the Dreamers of Dreams

            

A common problem that comes up in marriages is what Dr Gottman calls gridlocking. Gridlocking is when you reach a conflict with your spouse and you both emotionally shut down. We have all had situations in relationships where there is a conflict and instead of reaching a solution, both parties just shut down and quit talking about it until another time. Gottman says: “Acknowledging and respecting each other’s deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is the key to saving and enriching your marriage.” He says that the culprit behind Gridlocking is that couples don’t feel their hopes, dreams and deepest desires are being met. We all have dreams and hopes when we enter into a romantic relationship, and while I do think it’s important to follow our individual dreams and encourage one another in those pursuits, I also believe that our dreams change as we grow together, and add children into the mix. My dreams were completely different years ago than they are now, but that’s OK. Having dreams together also creates a bond and growth and it’s important to have individual goals and dreams, but also dreams together as a couple. I know for me when I entered marriage I had dreams of this fairytale marriage, with prince charming, but those type of dreams aren’t what I’m referring to. Realizing that marriage is work, and that people aren’t perfect, and being willing to love despite people’s imperfections, not try to change them, but instead focus on changing yourself and forgiving often, are the true dreams of a successful marriage.            A great example of this is my Grandma Fern. She worked tirelessly to support my Grandpa in his endeavors, he loved to garden and had this big garden he would work in for hours. My Grandma would cook him meals and bring them out to him so they could sit on the porch and eat lunch when he was taking a break. He was a grump and didn’t help out around the house much, but I never heard my Grandma complain. She always spoke highly of my Grandpa and treated him with love and respect. They didn’t have a perfect marriage, but my Grandma decided that her attitude was always going to be positive and that she wasn’t ever going to complain and so she didn’t. Her dream was an eternal marriage and family, and those were the thing that she felt like she needed to do to achieve that. I hope to model those same characteristics in my next marriage.

Choose Love Over Anger

I never realized until I was in my late 20’s that anger is a choice we make on how we respond to people and situations in our lives. By saying that someone “made us angry,” it implies that we have no control over ourselves and that someone else has the power over us. This isn’t the case, so when a situation arises that causes us “anger” we can choose to not go to that angry place and instead choose to love, create peace within ourselves and forgive. One great quote that I love by Elder David A. Bednar, that is really applicable in a marriage is:

“You and I cannot control the intentions or behavior of other people. However, we do determine how we will act. Please remember that you and I are agents endowed with moral agency, and we can choose not to be offended.”

I know within my own marriage I took offense to every little thing and that I was so quick to start a disagreement about how I was feeling and how my spouse had offended me. I realize now that I chose to be offended and had I chosen instead to love, forgive and have peace within myself I would have been so much happier.

            A key ingredient in a successful marriage is also forgiveness. Our spouse will make mistakes and hurt us, but ultimately we have to choose to forgive them. One quote that really resonates for me about forgiveness is by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland:

“That also happens in marriages and other relationships. I can’t tell you the number of couples I have counseled who, when they are deeply hurt or even just deeply stressed, reach farther and farther into the past to find yet a bigger brick to throw through the window “pain” of their marriage. When something is over and done with, when it has been repented of as fully as it can be repented of, when life has moved on as it should and a lot of other wonderfully good things have happened since then, it is not right to go back and open some ancient wound that the Son of God Himself died to heal.

Let people repent. Let people grow. Believe that people can change and improve. Is that faith? Yes! Is that hope? Yes! Is that charity? Yes! Above all, it is charity, the pure love of Christ. If something is buried in the past, leave it buried. Don’t keep going back with your little sand pail and beach shovel to dig it up, wave it around, and then throw it at someone, saying, “Hey! Do you remember this?” Splat!

Well, guess what? That is probably going to result in some ugly morsel being dug up out of your landfill with the reply, “Yeah, I remember it. Do you remember this?” Splat.

And soon enough everyone comes out of that exchange dirty and muddy and unhappy and hurt, when what our Father in Heaven pleads for is cleanliness and kindness and happiness and healing.”

I believe that the two greatest things you can do for your marriage is to not take offense and to forgive. Those are two greatest lessons that I have learned this week in my study.

Sources:

Bednar, David A. “And Nothing Shall Offend Them.” October 2006 https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2006/10/and-nothing-shall-offend-them?lang=eng (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.

Holland, Jeffrey R. “The Best is Yet to Be.” January 2009

https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/2010/01/the-best-is-yet-to-be?lang=eng 

(Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.

Pride, Humility and Repentance Within Marriage

           “Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing. The central feature of pride is enmity-enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means ‘hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.’ It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us. Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of ‘my will and not thing be done.’ As Paul said, they ‘seek their own, not the things which are Jesus Christ’s.’”
            Pride is evident in our society and is especially evident in our marriages. A huge factor in making a marriage successful and healthy is focusing on your spouse. Along with that is being willing to be humble enough to admit when you make mistakes and actively apologize when you offend or hurt the other person. It seems simple enough, but this can be a struggle. My Mom always had this saying: “It’s better to be kind, than right.” I think this applies to marriage in the sense that fighting over things that have no eternal significance can be harmful and it is better in some instances to bite your tongue and pick your battles. When something is a concern going to your spouse when you are calm and they are calm, and talking with one another in a respectful manner is key.
            My ex-husband and I struggled with this. We were so focused on how we felt as individuals and less about one another. We got to a point where we didn’t talk about things at all because nobody was willing to change their opinion or perspective. We get along so much better now as friends and co-parents to our two boys, and a lot of that has to do with the respect we show, and our common interest in the children. There have been times when we disagree, but I try to apologize right away and we have a good co-parenting relationship because of that.
Source:
“Beware of Pride.” talk by President President Ezra T. Benson from the Ensign, May 1989.

Turn Toward One Another

 In Genesis 2:24 it says:

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

I like the word that is used in this scripture, to “cleave.” It could have easily said to hold on to or to be with, but instead it is to cleave. When I think of that I think of holding on to something, which requires effort and sacrifice. It is putting that spouse above yourself in order to keep hold of them. I don’t mean that in an abusive way, but rather in a selfless way. In D&C 64:33 it says:

“Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.”

The reason that I like this scripture as it applies to marriage is because it is in the little day to day things that causes a marriage to thrive and blossom. A great example of this to me is my parents marriage, my Dad calls my Mom on his lunch break and has for 34 years, every single day. They talk about their days and express any concerns or joys that they have, and it is a way for them to connect. My Dad could easily do something else, but by taking that small time, they are drawing closer together. My Dad also took the lead on weekends and would get all 5 kids up for breakfast and make a delicious breakfast for my Mom to wake up to. He would run errands and take us along, and give my Mom a break. My parents marriage wasn’t perfect, but it has lasted because they recognize that a lasting marriage is in the details. Choosing every single day that other person and putting their needs above your own. My Mom has always been my Dad’s biggest cheerleader and support. Whenever he feels like he can’t do something my Mom encourages him to go for it and excel and he does.

            Within my own marriage the demise was caused by the lack of drawing together on the little things. People expect a marriage to crumble over big events, but actually it is the small things that cause the greatest impact and will draw a couple further apart. I love a quote by Howard W. Hunter who summed it up best:

”Being happily and successfully married is generally not so much a matter of marrying the right person, as it is being the right person.”

Choosing to draw closer to your spouse and proactively seek opportunities to be together, to talk and to do mundane things together, will be the stones that your foundation is built upon. Over time you will see that you have constructed a beautiful piece of craftsmanship, the vessel of your marriage.

Cherishing Your Spouse

            The relationship between husband and wife is the most sacred and important relationship (second to Heavenly Father/Christ) that you can have in your life. Oftentimes we fall into this trap of accentuating the negative qualities of our spouse and we focus on how we feel and there is this frustration over our spouse seeing things from our perspective. By instead taking the time to really see things from our significant other’s point of view and getting outside of ourselves we can really start to appreciate our spouse. I know that some ideas that friends of mine have had over the years within their relationships is they will make positive journals and every night they will write down a couple of positive things their spouse did that day. I really liked that idea because it is focusing more on the positive than the negative. Other things is fasting and praying for your spouse, I know that a lot of my friends will be going through challenges with their marriage and when they take the time to pray for their spouse they receive inspiration and are able to see their spouse the way that our Father in Heaven sees them, which in turn strengthens the marriage and gives an eternal perspective. Another great thing is praying and going to the temple together as a couple. Being able to remember why a couple is going through challenges and working hard to remain strong as a couple, really helps to appreciate and cherish your spouse. Henry B Eyring has said:

…”The greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own. That is what love is. And the sorrow comes primarily from selfishness, which is the absence of love. The ideal God holds for us is to form families in the way most likely to lead to happiness and away from sorrow. A man and a woman are to make sacred covenants that they will put the welfare and happiness of the other at the center of their lives.”

Sources:

President Henry B. Eyring, "Our perfect example.” Ensign, November 2009, 70.

Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriage

                A key part of cultivating a strong and good marriage is having a strong friendship with the other person. Gottman stressed this point in his Book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, one point that he talked about was that it isn’t about avoiding conflict in a relationship because conflict is going to happen, but instead it’s about how you fight and approach conflict. Marriages that last involve couples who for every negative also have 5 positive things to back up the negative. Reflecting back on the positive experiences within the marriage help so when conflict arises, couples have good things to fall back on.

                A great example to me of marriage is my parents. My Mom has always said that my Dad is her best friend. They talk often and enjoy each other’s company, they don’t necessarily like the same things, but they enjoy spending time together and like talking with each other about everything. When they have conflicts they are quick to forgive one another. They have had many conflicts over the years and they aren’t perfect, but they constantly communicate and they take time together and make their marriage a priority.

                Being divorced I can see the mistakes that can ruin a relationship, but I have also learned what I want to do differently in my next relationship. The biggest thing is I want to find someone who is my best friend first and foremost. Someone who I want to tell everything to and enjoy spending time with. I want to be good about accentuating the positive and when there is conflict, discussing it in a respectful and kind manner. I want to look at it as building an eternal friendship with someone and treating the person like I treat my closest friends. I feel like we sometimes get lost in the “relationship” aspect of things, that we forget that this person is our closest and most important friend and we should be treating them as such.

                One of my favorite quotes from my study this week was from Elder Jospeh B Wirthlin:

“Sometimes the greatest love is not found in the dramatic scenes that poets and writers immortalize. Often, the greatest manifestations of love are the simple acts of kindness and caring we extend to those we meet along the path of life. True love lasts forever. It is eternally patient and forgiving. It believes, hopes, and endures all things. That is the love our Heavenly Father bears for us.”

Covenant Marriage

                The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints believes in the sanctity of marriage, but also believes in having a marriage within a temple. The difference between a temple marriage and a regular civil union is that when you are married (or sealed as they call it) within a temple you are making a commitment to someone, not just for this life, but eternally after this life. This allows couples to be together forever with one another and their children. With this sacred union you also make covenants, or promises, with God and one another. These promises are your commitment to faithfulness within the religion and also to one another as you raise children within the gospel context.

                I personally have never been married in a temple to a spouse, I married a non-member (and was a non-member myself when we married). I longed for a temple marriage once I was baptized because I loved the idea of being sealed forever to my spouse and children, but unfortunately that marriage ended. I am sealed to my parents and I actually had the privilege of being present when my parents were sealed. They were married civilly before I was born and were inactive in the church. It wasn’t until I was about 4 years old that my Mother began going back to church, and my Dad followed suit shortly thereafter. They made the decision to be sealed and my younger sister and I were able to go and be sealed to my parents. The thing that I remember most about this experience was how quiet it was within the temple and the feeling of love that radiated from the room. My parents were beaming and all our family and friends who were there were smiling at me and I could feel their love for me. I didn’t understand the significance of the experience at the time, but looking back now I can see how that truly helped solidify things for our family. My parents had gone through some difficult times before rejoining the church, but once we were all sealed they worked hard to be united as a couple, and therefore united our family.

                I hope to someday be sealed to a worthy spouse and to my children.

Same Sex Marriage

         Marriage has changed through-out history, but has remained an important part of our society. It represents the joining of two families and them becoming one. It represents love, commitment and a focus outward rather than inward. It is the choice to put your own selfishness aside to think about someone else, and put their needs before your own.
“The centrality of marriage to the human condition makes it unsurprising that the institution has existed for millennia and across civilizations. Since the dawn of history, marriage has transformed strangers into relatives, binding families and societies together. Confucius taught that marriage lies at the foundation of government” (Obergefell v Hodges 2015).
            How we label marriage has changed over the centuries. Early on in the development of the United States, slavery was rampant and African American’s weren’t given the right to marry. Before that marriage was arranged by parents and the marrying couple had little to no say in who they were to marry. Woman also had no rights and once married all their property belonged to their husband, therefore they couldn’t make any financial decisions without the approval of their husband. Times have changed and in a lot of ways for the better. Woman have more rights and are independent, we are free to choose who we want to marry, and all races have that same right. That begs the question, then why does it matter if homosexuals also marry? Here is a quote from Russell M. Nelson that answers that question:
“Male and female are created for what they can do and become, together. It takes a man and a woman to bring a child into the world. Mothers and fathers are not interchangeable. Men and women are distinct and complementary. Children deserve a chance to grow up with both a mom and a dad” (Nelson 2014).
While it is possible for homosexual couples to adopt, or have children in other forms, ultimately children grow and develop best when they have both a mother and a father. That is the basis for families and marriage within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and why the church teaches that marriage should be between a man and a woman.
Sources for this Post:
Nelson, Russell M. (2014, Aug. 14). Disciples of Jesus Christ-Defenders of Marriage. Brigham Young University Commencement.  (Links to an external site.)
 (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site. (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site. (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site. (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.
Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U.S. (2015). Supreme Court of the United States

 (Links to an external site.)

Deafening Silence: Divorce

                I used to read articles about the effects of divorce on children, and how divorce was so destructive, but it wasn’t until I actually divorced my spouse of 8 years, that I saw firsthand the negative effects of divorce. Take into account first of all the emotional struggle and pain that is associated with divorcing someone.

“A broad-based international study of the levels of happiness before and after “major life events” found that, on average, persons are far more successful in recovering their level of happiness after the death of a spouse than after a divorce” (Oaks 2007).

I have been divorced for a year and I still have pain and emotional struggles that accompany that decision.

                Perhaps a more damaging effect of divorce, other than just initial pain and suffering, is the effect is has on the children involved in a divorce. I have found that my own children, and other children I have interacted with who have gone through a divorce, will say things like “when WE got divorced.” Often we think of divorce as just being between two people, husband and wife, without considering that the children as well are going through the divorce. They lose their family as it was and a lot of changes come from that. Statistically children who live with a single parent struggle more with depression, lower grades, anger and are more likely to abuse alcohol or drugs in the future. Being a divorced single mother I loathe these statistics because I feel guilt for getting divorced, especially when I see the effects it has on my children. I have found comfort in reading an article recently that compared children living with divorced parents vs children living with discordant parents and found that they exhibited similar problems. The article went on to state:

“…some studies show that children with discordant parents are worse off than children with divorced parents” (Amato 80).

If parents are fighting in front of the children, and it’s a hostile or abusive environment it is in the best interest of the children to divorce. That study brought me comfort for my own situation.

                The word divorce is tossed around a lot these days, and after going through a divorce myself the advice that I give all of my married friends going through struggles is that divorce isn’t something to be taken lightly. It has lasting effects on everyone involved and EVERY marriage goes through struggles. Enduring those struggles together and trying absolutely everything possible before divorce is always my recommendation.

                I know that a lot of people worry about divorce, and then don’t want to marry, but some great advise that I recently read really stuck with me:

 “ The best way to avoid divorce from an unfaithful, abusive, or unsupportive spouse is to avoid marriage to such a person. If you wish to marry well, inquire well” (Oaks 2007).

I have noticed a pattern among my friends, and those who quickly entered into a marriage (without taking the time to date, court, and really get to know the person) soon found that the person they married oftentimes weren’t who they initially thought they were. My go to phrase in possibly getting remarried again is: If they are the right person today, than they will be the right person 6 months or a year from now. I want to take the time to truly get to know someone, to see how they react to various situations, and to get to know their character. I feel like taking time and not rushing into anything is always wise, and will help to prevent divorce in the future.

Sources for this post:

Amato, Paul. R. (2005). Vol 15, No 2, Pg 75-90.  The Impact of Family Formation Change on the Cognitive, Social, and Emotional Well-Being of the Next Generation.

Oaks, Dallin. H. (2007, May). Divorce. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/05/divorce?lang=eng (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.