We are the Dreamers of Dreams

            

A common problem that comes up in marriages is what Dr Gottman calls gridlocking. Gridlocking is when you reach a conflict with your spouse and you both emotionally shut down. We have all had situations in relationships where there is a conflict and instead of reaching a solution, both parties just shut down and quit talking about it until another time. Gottman says: “Acknowledging and respecting each other’s deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is the key to saving and enriching your marriage.” He says that the culprit behind Gridlocking is that couples don’t feel their hopes, dreams and deepest desires are being met. We all have dreams and hopes when we enter into a romantic relationship, and while I do think it’s important to follow our individual dreams and encourage one another in those pursuits, I also believe that our dreams change as we grow together, and add children into the mix. My dreams were completely different years ago than they are now, but that’s OK. Having dreams together also creates a bond and growth and it’s important to have individual goals and dreams, but also dreams together as a couple. I know for me when I entered marriage I had dreams of this fairytale marriage, with prince charming, but those type of dreams aren’t what I’m referring to. Realizing that marriage is work, and that people aren’t perfect, and being willing to love despite people’s imperfections, not try to change them, but instead focus on changing yourself and forgiving often, are the true dreams of a successful marriage.            A great example of this is my Grandma Fern. She worked tirelessly to support my Grandpa in his endeavors, he loved to garden and had this big garden he would work in for hours. My Grandma would cook him meals and bring them out to him so they could sit on the porch and eat lunch when he was taking a break. He was a grump and didn’t help out around the house much, but I never heard my Grandma complain. She always spoke highly of my Grandpa and treated him with love and respect. They didn’t have a perfect marriage, but my Grandma decided that her attitude was always going to be positive and that she wasn’t ever going to complain and so she didn’t. Her dream was an eternal marriage and family, and those were the thing that she felt like she needed to do to achieve that. I hope to model those same characteristics in my next marriage.