I never realized until I was in my late 20’s that anger is a choice we make on how we respond to people and situations in our lives. By saying that someone “made us angry,” it implies that we have no control over ourselves and that someone else has the power over us. This isn’t the case, so when a situation arises that causes us “anger” we can choose to not go to that angry place and instead choose to love, create peace within ourselves and forgive. One great quote that I love by Elder David A. Bednar, that is really applicable in a marriage is:
“You and I cannot control the intentions or behavior of other people. However, we do determine how we will act. Please remember that you and I are agents endowed with moral agency, and we can choose not to be offended.”
I know within my own marriage I took offense to every little thing and that I was so quick to start a disagreement about how I was feeling and how my spouse had offended me. I realize now that I chose to be offended and had I chosen instead to love, forgive and have peace within myself I would have been so much happier.
A key ingredient in a successful marriage is also forgiveness. Our spouse will make mistakes and hurt us, but ultimately we have to choose to forgive them. One quote that really resonates for me about forgiveness is by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland:
“That also happens in marriages and other relationships. I can’t tell you the number of couples I have counseled who, when they are deeply hurt or even just deeply stressed, reach farther and farther into the past to find yet a bigger brick to throw through the window “pain” of their marriage. When something is over and done with, when it has been repented of as fully as it can be repented of, when life has moved on as it should and a lot of other wonderfully good things have happened since then, it is not right to go back and open some ancient wound that the Son of God Himself died to heal.
Let people repent. Let people grow. Believe that people can change and improve. Is that faith? Yes! Is that hope? Yes! Is that charity? Yes! Above all, it is charity, the pure love of Christ. If something is buried in the past, leave it buried. Don’t keep going back with your little sand pail and beach shovel to dig it up, wave it around, and then throw it at someone, saying, “Hey! Do you remember this?” Splat!
Well, guess what? That is probably going to result in some ugly morsel being dug up out of your landfill with the reply, “Yeah, I remember it. Do you remember this?” Splat.
And soon enough everyone comes out of that exchange dirty and muddy and unhappy and hurt, when what our Father in Heaven pleads for is cleanliness and kindness and happiness and healing.”
I believe that the two greatest things you can do for your marriage is to not take offense and to forgive. Those are two greatest lessons that I have learned this week in my study.
Sources:
Bednar, David A. “And Nothing Shall Offend Them.” October 2006 https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2006/10/and-nothing-shall-offend-them?lang=eng
Holland, Jeffrey R. “The Best is Yet to Be.” January 2009
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