Becoming One

            This concept of “becoming one” always seemed kind of foreign to me. It wasn’t until I was married that I came to understand exactly what this means. We are commanded to become one with Christ. The scriptures admonish “if ye are not one, ye are not mine.” This illustrates for me the importance of becoming one in faith, unity and in the cause of spreading the word that Jesus Christ is our Savior, and inviting others to come unto Him. How does this relate to marriage? Within marriage we are also commanded to become one. We leave our mothers and fathers and we “cleave” unto our husband or wife. In order to become one it’s important that a couple commit first to work to become one with Christ, and then they can become one with each other.

            Someone who was a great example of this was my grandparents on my Mother’s side. My Grandma Fern and Grandpa Wayne were married in the Salt Lake City Utah temple and were devoted to the gospel of Jesus Christ until their dying days. They committed to work to become one with Christ and worked hard on their marriage. They didn’t have a perfect marriage, but they had an eternal perspective and wanted to do everything they could to make their marriage successful. They attended church, the temple, and taught the gospel to their children. One of their last trips to the temple together as a couple, they were joined by all 6 of their children in the celestial room. When my Grandma looked around she said: “Are we all here?” Everyone was happy to say, “Yes, Mom, we are all here.” That is what it’s all about, coming together to gain a testimony of Jesus Christ and then working towards an eternal marriage and an eternal family. The choice my grandparents made to become one with Christ and with one another affected generations after them. Their children then taught their grandchildren, and now their grandchildren are teaching their great grandchildren. The gospel and its teachings live on through the obedience and devotion of my grandparents. I am grateful for their example.

Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

          My Mother and I recently had a conversation regarding sex. It is through-out our world today in the media, billboards, magazines etc. The world would have you believe that sex is the key to a good marriage. My Mom said something interesting to me, she said that you need a foundation with someone. You need to trust them, respect them, forgive and serve one another. Sex is the icing on the cake for an already strong relationship. My Mom said that the reason her and my Dad are so strong in their marriage is because they were friends before they married, and they had the same foundation. Sex is just a part of the relationship, it doesn’t define the relationship.

            Infidelity is something that can happen within a marriage, the most common form (in my opinion) is the use of pornography. It is everywhere these days and so easily accessible that it’s easy for men and women to become addicted. My Dad made such an amazing comment when we were discussing the topic of pornography and he said, “I don’t know if you have noticed, but I never take my laptop into another room where someone isn’t present. It’s not because I have a problem with pornography, but because I don’t WANT to ever have that temptation.” I thought that was excellent advice and his own way of safeguarding himself and his relationship with my Mom.

            President Spencer W Kimball said: “The Bible celebrates sex and its proper use, presenting it as God-created, God-ordained, God-blessed. It makes plain that God himself implanted the physical magnetism between the sexes for two reasons: for the propagation of the human race, and for the expression of that kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness. His commandment to the first man and woman to be ‘one flesh’ was as important as his command to ‘be fruitful and multiply.”

     I have seen the importance of intimacy within marriage in my previous marriage, and also through mistakes that I made in my youth. Being divorced now I see the value in saving that sacred part of yourself within the bonds of marriage.

Source:

            Barlow, Brent. A. They Twain Shall Be One. https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/1986/09/they-twain-shall-be-one-thoughts-on-intimacy-in-marriage?lang=eng (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.

We are the Dreamers of Dreams

            

A common problem that comes up in marriages is what Dr Gottman calls gridlocking. Gridlocking is when you reach a conflict with your spouse and you both emotionally shut down. We have all had situations in relationships where there is a conflict and instead of reaching a solution, both parties just shut down and quit talking about it until another time. Gottman says: “Acknowledging and respecting each other’s deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is the key to saving and enriching your marriage.” He says that the culprit behind Gridlocking is that couples don’t feel their hopes, dreams and deepest desires are being met. We all have dreams and hopes when we enter into a romantic relationship, and while I do think it’s important to follow our individual dreams and encourage one another in those pursuits, I also believe that our dreams change as we grow together, and add children into the mix. My dreams were completely different years ago than they are now, but that’s OK. Having dreams together also creates a bond and growth and it’s important to have individual goals and dreams, but also dreams together as a couple. I know for me when I entered marriage I had dreams of this fairytale marriage, with prince charming, but those type of dreams aren’t what I’m referring to. Realizing that marriage is work, and that people aren’t perfect, and being willing to love despite people’s imperfections, not try to change them, but instead focus on changing yourself and forgiving often, are the true dreams of a successful marriage.            A great example of this is my Grandma Fern. She worked tirelessly to support my Grandpa in his endeavors, he loved to garden and had this big garden he would work in for hours. My Grandma would cook him meals and bring them out to him so they could sit on the porch and eat lunch when he was taking a break. He was a grump and didn’t help out around the house much, but I never heard my Grandma complain. She always spoke highly of my Grandpa and treated him with love and respect. They didn’t have a perfect marriage, but my Grandma decided that her attitude was always going to be positive and that she wasn’t ever going to complain and so she didn’t. Her dream was an eternal marriage and family, and those were the thing that she felt like she needed to do to achieve that. I hope to model those same characteristics in my next marriage.

Choose Love Over Anger

I never realized until I was in my late 20’s that anger is a choice we make on how we respond to people and situations in our lives. By saying that someone “made us angry,” it implies that we have no control over ourselves and that someone else has the power over us. This isn’t the case, so when a situation arises that causes us “anger” we can choose to not go to that angry place and instead choose to love, create peace within ourselves and forgive. One great quote that I love by Elder David A. Bednar, that is really applicable in a marriage is:

“You and I cannot control the intentions or behavior of other people. However, we do determine how we will act. Please remember that you and I are agents endowed with moral agency, and we can choose not to be offended.”

I know within my own marriage I took offense to every little thing and that I was so quick to start a disagreement about how I was feeling and how my spouse had offended me. I realize now that I chose to be offended and had I chosen instead to love, forgive and have peace within myself I would have been so much happier.

            A key ingredient in a successful marriage is also forgiveness. Our spouse will make mistakes and hurt us, but ultimately we have to choose to forgive them. One quote that really resonates for me about forgiveness is by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland:

“That also happens in marriages and other relationships. I can’t tell you the number of couples I have counseled who, when they are deeply hurt or even just deeply stressed, reach farther and farther into the past to find yet a bigger brick to throw through the window “pain” of their marriage. When something is over and done with, when it has been repented of as fully as it can be repented of, when life has moved on as it should and a lot of other wonderfully good things have happened since then, it is not right to go back and open some ancient wound that the Son of God Himself died to heal.

Let people repent. Let people grow. Believe that people can change and improve. Is that faith? Yes! Is that hope? Yes! Is that charity? Yes! Above all, it is charity, the pure love of Christ. If something is buried in the past, leave it buried. Don’t keep going back with your little sand pail and beach shovel to dig it up, wave it around, and then throw it at someone, saying, “Hey! Do you remember this?” Splat!

Well, guess what? That is probably going to result in some ugly morsel being dug up out of your landfill with the reply, “Yeah, I remember it. Do you remember this?” Splat.

And soon enough everyone comes out of that exchange dirty and muddy and unhappy and hurt, when what our Father in Heaven pleads for is cleanliness and kindness and happiness and healing.”

I believe that the two greatest things you can do for your marriage is to not take offense and to forgive. Those are two greatest lessons that I have learned this week in my study.

Sources:

Bednar, David A. “And Nothing Shall Offend Them.” October 2006 https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2006/10/and-nothing-shall-offend-them?lang=eng (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.

Holland, Jeffrey R. “The Best is Yet to Be.” January 2009

https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/2010/01/the-best-is-yet-to-be?lang=eng 

(Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.